As a reporter who covers sex and intimacy, I spend a lot of time listening to experts extol the virtues of open and honest communication. To have good sex (and continue to have good sex over time) couples must be willing to talk about it, they say.

But some people would rather leave their relationships than have those conversations, said Jeffrey Chernin, a marriage and family therapist and author of “Achieving Intimacy: How to Have a Loving Relationship That Lasts,” especially if things in the bedroom aren’t going. particularly well.

“One of the things I often say to couples who are having problems is, ‘I wish there was another way to get through this,’” she said. “But the only way I know to have a better sex life, or to resume sex life, is to talk about it.”

Dr. Chernin acknowledged how stressful such conversations can be, sometimes leading to accusations, belittling or evasion. That being said, these suggestions may help.

Embrace the discomfort.

It’s common for couples to have trouble talking about intimacy and desire. Research suggests that even in long-term relationships, people know only about 60 percent of what their partner likes sexually, and only about 25 percent of what they don’t like.

Cyndi Darnell, a sex and relationship therapist in New York City, said her patients often tell her that talking about sex is “uncomfortable,” which is especially true “if you’ve spent months or years avoiding it,” she said.

“We have been fooled into believing that sex is natural,” he added. “But if it were easy and natural, people wouldn’t have such a problem.”

He mentioned a couple he worked with, both in their 50s, who hadn’t had sex in years. Every time they talked about it, they fought. So they sought outside help to overcome their shame and anger.

In therapy they realized that they had only focused on penetration, but that the husband really craved closeness and tenderness. And once the wife realized that her husband was not going to “attack her” every time she hugged him, they were able to be more sensual with each other and talk about what they like to do and why. Darnell said. . But it took a spirit of goodwill, curiosity and acceptance.

Death to ‘We need to talk’.

It may be possible to ease the fear that often accompanies these conversations by approaching them sensitively. “When a peer says, ‘We need to talk,’ Dr. Chernin said, “the other person feels, ‘I’m going to go to the principal’s office.'”

Instead, try:

Focus on solving problems together

That means saying something like, “On the one hand, I know how difficult it is for us to talk about this,” Dr. Chernin said. “On the other hand, I think it’s important for our marriage or our relationship to be able to have some conversations about our sex life.”

Then ask, “What can we do about it?”

Prepare questions in advance

A script provides scaffolding, Darnell said. He suggested messages like: “Our relationship is very important to me and I would like sex to be a part of it (again). I was curious if that’s something you’d be interested in too?

Bring some positive aspects

Maggie Bennett-Brown, a Kinsey Institute researcher and assistant professor at Texas Tech University, said “it doesn’t have to be explicit.” Maybe you tell your partner that you like it when they hug you or plan a romantic night on the town.

If it’s been a while since you’ve been intimate, it can be helpful to reminisce, and that can lead to a deeper question. “If people have never had a conversation about, ‘What do you like?’ that’s a good first step,” said Dr. Bennett-Brown.

Be aware of your time

Be careful about starting a conversation about sex while in bed, Dr. Chernin said, especially if you’re being critical. (Although some couples may find it easier to talk about sex when they enjoy the glow, she said.)

“Think of a conversation as a series of discussions,” Dr. Chernin said. “That way, you won’t put too much pressure on yourself or your partner.”

Know when to talk to a professional.

If your partner is unwilling to talk, or if the conversation is painful, not just uncomfortable, Darnell said, a sex therapist or couples counselor can help mediate.

He didn’t downplay how important these conversations can be. But he added that sex may not always be a necessary component of a satisfying romantic relationship.

“One of the questions I usually ask my partners for whom sex is a delicate and difficult topic is: Does this relationship have to be sexual?” she said. She worked with a couple in their 30s and 40s who realized they liked to engage in flirtatious banter, but didn’t want to go beyond that. “The permission to not have sex at this stage of their relationship was huge and a relief,” she said.

“Sex is so much more than what we do when we take our pants off,” he said.